-- Tune: Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be)
-- Note: Versions exist called 'Six Old Ladies'; a schoolyard version is 'Three Old Ladies'
Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.
They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.
The first was the wife of a Deacon in Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was old Mrs Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
Who went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right 'till a vagrant suspender
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.
The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim
But somehow got pinched 'tween the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there.
But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,
She went in to sip from a bottle of rye,
She slipped through the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.
The janitor[1] came in early one morning,
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.
[1] UK versions say 'caretaker' in place of 'janitor'
-- Variant verses:
The -th was the wife of a deacon in Dover,
And thought she was known as a bit of a rover,
She went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Mrs McNicholl,
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle,
She hurdled the door she'd forgotten her nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Lizabeth Biddle,
She went in there, she needed to piddle,
She slipped in the pan right up to her middle,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Rosemary Madder,
She went in feeling something was the matter,
But when she got there it was only her bladder,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Hildegard Foyle,
She hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Julia Porter,
She was the Deacon of Dorchester's daughter,
Went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Eleanor Slaughter,
She was the Mayor of Bayswater's daughter, [a ref to song of this name?]
Went in to jill off and nobody caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Emily Clancy,
She went in there 'cause something tickled her fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th was called Elizabeth Liszt,
Went in with a bottle and soon was pissed,
Tried to sit down but got stuck when she missed,
And nobody knew she was there.
But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
She went in there to repair a suspender,
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th was a lady named Lillian Pym,
Went there to scratch at the spots on her quim,
She somehow got stuck 'tween the seat and the rim,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Janet McGrew,
She'd eaten senna and needed to poo,
The cheeks of her bottom got wedged in the loo,
And nobody knew she was there.
Another old lady was Marjorie Stump,
Went to the toilet, she needed to dump,
The door must have jammed when she gave it a bump,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Emily Shaw,
Known to the rest as a bit of a whore,
Went for a squat, couldn't open the door,
And nobody knew she was there.
The -th old lady was Monica Fitz,
Suffered from cramping and chronic colicks,
Went to the loo with a case of the shits,
And nobody knew she was there.
-- Schoolyard version
Oh dear what can the matter be?
Three old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They've been there from Monday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.
The first was called Elizabeth Porter,
Went there to get rid of some unwanted water,
The second was called Elizabeth Humphrey,
Who sat in the lav and couldn't get her bum free.
The third was called Elizabeth List,
Went in with a bottle and came out pissed.
-- also:
Oh dear what can the matter be?
Three old ladies tied to the apple-tree,
One escaped, the others stopped there till Saturday,
Oh dear what can the matter be?
-- Seven old gentlemen (oh dear what can the matter be)
-- Tune: Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be
-- Male version of Seven Old Ladies/Six Old Ladies/Three Old Ladies
Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old gentlemen locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.
They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.
The first was the sailor who'd come up from Dover,
And though he was known as a bit of a rover,
He liked it so much he thought he'd stay over,
And nobody knew he was there.
The next old gentleman was Mr Bickle,
He found himself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, he hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew he was there.
The next old chap was Timothy Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make himself comfy,
And then he found out he could not get her bum free
And nobody knew he was there.
The next old chappie was Anthony Spender,
Who was doing all right until his sock suspender
Snapped and tangled and damaged his gender,
And nobody knew he was there.
Another old gent was called Marmaduke Biddle,
Hew ent in there cos he needed to piddle,
He slipped in the pan right up to her middle,
And nobody knew he was there.
The last was a gent known only as Tim,
He only sat down on a personal whim
But somehow got pinched 'tween the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew he was there.
But another old gentleman, Freddy McBligh,
He went in to sip from a bottle of rye,
He slipped through the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew he was there.
The janitor[1] came in early one morning,
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old menfolk their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.
[1] UK versions say 'caretaker' in place of 'janitor'
-- Variant verses:
The -th old chappie was Mr McNicholl,
His urge was sincere, his reaction was fickle,
He hurdled the door he'd forgotten his nickel,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old bloke was called Sam-u-el Madder,
He went in feeling something was the matter,
He'd had some trouble with stones in his bladder,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old bloke was named Percival Foyle,
He hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old man he was Wilberforce Clancy,
He went in there 'cause something tickled his fancy,
But when he got there it was ants in his pantsy,
And nobody knew hewas there.
The -th old man was Cornelius Liszt,
Went in with a bottle and soon he was pissed,
Tried to sit down but got stuck when he missed,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old fellow was Mr McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
He jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th was a fellow named Cameron Dick,
Went there to scratch at the spots on his prick,
Slid into the pan and was soon in a fix,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old gentlemen Barney McGrew,
He'd drunk too much real ale and needed to poo,
The cheeks of his bottom got wedged in the loo,
And nobody knew he was there.
Another old gent there was Antony Stump,
Went to the toilet, he needed to dump,
The door must have jammed when he gave it a bump,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old fellow was Joshua Shaw,
Known to the rest as a bit of a bore,
Went for a squat, couldn't open the door,
And nobody knew he was there.
The -th old fellow was Brian O'Fitz,
Suffered from cramping and chronic colicks,
Went to the loo with a bad case of shits,
And nobody knew he was there.
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