Tell us another one, filthy as buggery,
Tell us another one do, please do.
There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder,
He knew that he could, and he should, and he would,
And he did - and he goddam near killed her.
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jerk-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke, the fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream.
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
She blew her vagina to South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
Midst screeches and howls he deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa,
He brings home young camels and other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered three maids while confirming 'em,
As they knelt seeking God, he excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.
There was an old man from the Cape
Who fucked a barbarian ape,
The ape said, you fool, you've buggered your tool
And twisted my arse out of shape.
There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who were forced to walk belly to belly,
Because in their hast they used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept in the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers and likewise the vicar's,
And said "How about it, old bean?"
There was an old lady named Myrtle,
Had a torrid affair with a turtle,
Nine months to the day she gave birth to a cray
Which proved that the turtle was fertile.
There was a young woman from Sydney,
Who could take it right up to her kidney,
A man from the south pooped it right out her mouth
He got his money's worth didn't he.
There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
Great tufts of grass, sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
There was a young girl of Detroit,
Who at fucking was very adroit,
She could squeeze her vagina, to a pin-point or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
When they learned of his habits, involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young man of St Johns,
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
"Oh no," said the porter, "You bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons."
A handsome young monk in a wood,
Told a girl she should cling to the good,
She obeyed him, and gladly; he repulsed her, but sadly,
"My dear, you have misunderstood."
There was a young maid from Mobile,
Whose cunt was made out of blue steel,
She got her thrills, from pneumatic drills,
And off-centred emery wheels.
There was a young lady of Crewe,
Whose cherry a chap had got through,
Which she told to her mother, who fixed her another,
Out of rubber and red ink and glue.
When a lecherous curate at Leeds,
Was discovered, one day, in the weeds,
Astride a young nun, he said "Christ this is fun,
Far better than telling one's beads!"
There was a young man from Cape Cod,
Who put his own mother in pod,
His name, it was Tucker, the Bugger, The Fucker,
The Bleeder, The Bastard, The Sod."
There was a young girl of Dundee,
Who was raped by an ape in a tree,
The result was quite horrid - all dick and no forehead,
Three tits and a purple goatee.
There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who regretted that men had no prick in 'em,
On her knees every day, to her God she would pray,
To lengthen, and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus, was something quite heinous,
it could hold seven cocks and one ball.
There was a young man from Kings Lynn,
Whose dick was exceedingly thin,
Said his girl with a laugh, as she fondled his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
A broken down harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups:
"The height of my folly, was shagging a collie,
But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young man of high station,
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love in a ditch, to - I won't say a bitch -
But a woman of no reputation.
There was a young German named Ringer,
Who was screwing an opera singer,
Said he with a grin, "Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
A trapper named Francois Lefebrve,
Once captured and buggered a beabrve,
The result of this fuck, was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
A young man with passion quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie,
He slapped her behind, and made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.
There was a young man from Belgravia,
Who cared neither for God nor his Saviour,
He walked down the Strand, with his prick in his hand,
And was had up for indecent behaviour.
There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior -
Until an old monk, jumped into her bunk,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
The bedsprings next door jounce and creak,
They have kept me awake for a week.
Why do newlyweds select squeaky beds,
To develop their fucking technique?
Said sneering Mohammed el-Din,
"Only infidel dogs put it in,
Back home in Arabia we nibble the labia,
Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
In a cunt halfway up to his ears,
"Her juice is delicious and without doubt nutritious.
She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is slicker and thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale,
Was tattooed the price of her tail,
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
My jaw aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat and you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex,
They usually have virgins and masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
If continence causes neurosis,
And intercourse causes thrombosis,
I'd rather expire fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he,
He called for his pipe and he called for his drums,
And he fiddled with his call girls three.
The Grecians were famed for fine art,
And buildings and stonework so smart.
They distinguished with poise, the men from the boys,
And used crowbars to keep them apart.
There was a young Scot from Delray,
Who buggered his father one day,
Saying "I like it rather, to stuff it up Father,
He's clean and there's nothing to pay."
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
She said, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
There was an old man of Dundee,
Who came home as drunk as could be,
He wound up the clock, with the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
There was a young person named Binns,
Who talked about women and things,
But his secret desire, was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
An elderly pervert in Nice,
Not content with just buggering geese,
Would jerk off his hogs, his cows, sheep and dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.
All the lady apes ran from King Kong,
For his dong was unspeakably long,
But a friendly giraffe, quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
A maiden who lived in Virginny,
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny,
The hunting set chased her, fucked, buggered then dropped her,
For the pitch of her organ went tinny.
There was a young girl of Devon,
Who was raped in the garden by seven
High Anglican Priests, the lascivious beasts,
Of such is the kingdom of Heaven.
When a woman in strapless attire,
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling, exclaimed "How appealing!"
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?
There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine, private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew - but she went!
There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen,
Her mother said, "Rose, it's the crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
There was a young man of St James,
Who indulged in the jolliest games,
He lighted the rim, of his grandmother's quim,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
A fellow whose surname was Hunt,
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt,
This versatile spout, could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
There was a young lady from Kew,
Who filled her vagina with glue,
She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
An organist playing in York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And between obligatos, he'd much at tomatoes,
And keep up his strength while at work.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling,
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling,
There was never a sound, for miles around,
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's dong in her stew,
Said the waiter, "Don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
A hermit who had an oasis,
Thought it the best of all places,
He could pray and be calm, 'neath a pleaant date palm,
While the lice on his bollocks ran races.
There was a young fellow named Kimble,
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender, and dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
The last time I dined with the King,
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool, and took out his tool,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"
Coitus upon a cadaver
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er,
Her inanimate state means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
The gay young Duke of Buckingham,
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts, of the cunts and the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
A mathematician named Hall,
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight, times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eights of fuck-all.
There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister's virginity,
He buggered his brother, had twins by his mother,
And took double honours in Divinity.
There was a young fellow named Scott,
Who took a girl out on his yacht,
But to lazy to rape her, he made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her,
One went so far, as to wave from his car,
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass:
Not rounded and pink, as you possibly think,
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass.
A chap down in Oklahoma,
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch couldn't offset the hitch,
Of impotence, size and aroma.
There once was a girl from Parahan,
Who boarded a city bound tram,
The dirty conductor came right up and fucked her,
And now he is pushing a pram.
There once was a monastry monk,
Who dropped off to sleep in his bunk,
He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis
And awoke with a hand full of spunk.
There was an oldman from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
As they got into bed the lesbian said
"Who does what, and with which, and whti whomb?"
There was a young dentist from Nome,
Who had a young patient from Rome.
In a fit of depravity, he filled the wrong cavity,
Now she's nursing the young filling at home.
Said the Duke to the Duchess-Elective,
"Is my eyesight becomming defective?
Has the east tit the least bit the best of the west tit.
Or is it my lack of perspective".
There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down the sewer and died.
The next day his brother fell into another
And now they're in turd side by side.
Then up spoke the Sheik of Algiers
And said to his harem "My dears,
Thought you may think it odd of me, I've given up sodomy,
There'll be shagging tonight".. loud cheers.
There was an old vicar of kings,
Who tired of women and things,
His carnal desire was a boy in the chior
With an arse like a jelly on springs.
There was a young girl from Superba,
Who swore that no Arab could curb her,
But the Sheik of Khartoum tore a hole in her womb
With his eighteen inch kidney disturber.
There was a young fellow from Kent,
Whos penis was horribly bent.
To save himself trouble he put it in double
And instead of coming he went.
There was a young man from Caroo,
Who once had nothing to do,
So he whipped out his carrot and buggered a parrot
And sent the rest to the Zoo.
A numpy who called herself Alice,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her anus in Dallas.
There was a young man from Boston
Who purchased a new Baby Austin,
Where was room for his arse and a gallon of gas
But his balls dragged outside and he lost'em.
There was a young man from Goloshem,
Who took out his nackers to wash 'em
His Ma said, "Now Jack, if you don't put them back,
I'll jump on the buggers and squash 'em."
There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick baked it into a brick
And whittled his foreskin away.
There was a young man from Newcastle,
Who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,
And sent it by plane to a lady in Spain
To show her the size of his aresole.
There was a young girl from Detroit,
Who at shagging was very adroit,
She'd contract her vagina to a pinpoint or finer
Or opened it up like a quoit.
There was a young man from Magruda,
Who wooed a young nude in Bermuda,
She thought she was shrewd to be wooed in the nude
But Magruda was shrewder and screwed her.
There was a young man from Nigeria,
Whose morals were slightly inferior,
He did to a nun what none should have done
And made her a mother superior.
There was a young woman from Exeter,
Who had all the young men craning their necks at her
And those that were brave would gallanthy wave
The distinguishing mark of their sex at her.
There was a young man from Kildare
Who accosted a young girl on the stair,
When the bannister broke he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young woman named Rhoda,
Who kept an immoral pagoda,
On the walls in the halls she bestrewed all her balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
There was a young man from Crete,
Who could jerk himself up in the street,
A chemist named Kelly collected the Jelly
And sold it as extract of meat.
There was a young sheik of Belgrave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save.
There once was a barmaid of Knew,
Who said as the bishop withdrew,
I'd rather the vicar, he's quicker and slicker
And two inches thicker than you.
There once was a bishop of Buckingham,
Who stood on the footbridge at Uppingham,
And he laughed at the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fucking 'em.
There was a young man from Rheims
Who used to have wet dreams,
With incredible wit he encased them in shit
And sold them as chocolate creams.
A policeman from Twickenham Junction
Whose penis has long ceased to function
For years of his life he deceived his poor wife
By dexterous use of his truncheon.
A couple from old Aberystwysth,
Used to play with the things that they kissed with
But as they grew older their spirits grew bolder
And they played with the things that they pissed with.
There was a bishop of Birmingham
Who took little girls for confirming 'em,
Spent the rest of the day in enjoyable way
Ejecting episcopal sperm inham.
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe,
The answer next day said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
God's plan had a great beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning,
We trust that the story will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
My brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
He would shoot through his rear, which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften,
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
There once was a plumber from Dee,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
The girl said "stop plumbing there's somebody coming",
"I know" said the plumber, "its me".
There was a young man from peru,
Who lived on pigs shit and cats spew,
One night he got drunk on a bottle of spunk
And he had to drink piss to pull through,
There was a young man from Cowloon,
Who went up in the air in a baloon,
He fucked all the stars from Venus to Mars
And backscuttled the Man in the Moon.
There was a young girl called Dolores,
Whose cunt was covered with sores,
The dogs in the street would sniff at the meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who spied on his wife through a shutter
All he could see was his wife's bare knees,
And the arse of the bastard that was up her.
There was a young man from Kowloon,
Who was borne just three months too soon
It was only by luck he wasn't born by a fuck,
Because the cum was poked in by a spoon.