-- (AKA BLACKSMITH'S SONG)
-- (Tune: Either Greensleeves or may be done to
"Johnny Comes Marching Home" by adding chorus thus:
An engineer [blacksmith] told me before he died,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
An engineer [blacksmith] told me before he died,
Ah-hum, ah-hum.
An engineer [blacksmith] told me before he died,
I have no reason to believe he lied,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.)
Verses:
An engineer told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter whatever he tried,
His girlfriend was never satisfied!
That girl she had a cunt so wide
She could never be satisfied,
The engineer was a designer,
Measured the bore of her vagina,
Then he built her a cock of steel,
Powered by a bloody great wheel,
(Harnessed it to a bloody great wheel)
Yes he built a bloody great wheel,
Two brass balls and a prick of steel
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole bloody issue was driven by steam.
(And the whole fucking thing was driven by steam)
So he laid his girlfriend on the bed
And he tied her legs behind her head
(He tied his girl to the leg of the bed, )
(Tied her hands above her head, )
There she lay demanding a fuck,
He shook her hand and wished her luck,
(He put the machine in the place to fuck)
(He switched it on and wished her luck)
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Up and up went the level of steam,
Down and down went the level of cream.
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
Now we come to the tragic bit,
There was no way of stopping it,
It went like the piston of a train,
He should have fitted a gearing chain,
Clouds of steam blew out the top,
There wasn't a way to make it stop,
She was split from ass to tit,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit,
(And covered the wall in a load of shit)
It jumped off her, it jumped on him,
And then it buggered their next of kin,
Now we get to the bit that's blue,
It jumped off of him and it's after you.
It jumped on a departing bus,
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss,
The last time, Sir, that prick was seen,
Was in Buckingham Palace fucking the Queen,
There's a moral to the story I tell,
If you see it coming better run like hell,
Nine months later a child was born,
With two brass balls and a bloody great horn,
The warning in the story is,
Always fit a safety switch,
The crux of the matter is plain to be seen,
You should never trust a FUCKING MACHINE!
THE SEAMSTRESS' SONG
A seamstress told me before she died,
And I have no reason to believe she lied,
She had a spouse with a prick so wide,
That it had to be magnified.
No matter how she coaxed and wheedled,
It would go through the eye of a needle.
So she built a spinning wheel,
Two balls of yarn and a needle of steel.
The balls of yarn she twisted tight,
And the whole bloody thing was driven by might.
She tied him to the leg of the bed,
Tied his hands above his head.
There he lay demanding a fuck,
She shook his hand and wished him luck.
Round and round went the spinning wheel,
In and out went the needle of steel.
Down and down went the level of yarn,
Up and up went the prick she darned.
Till at last that husband cried,
"Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!"
Now we come to the tragic bit,
There was no way of stopping it.
In and in through the needle's eye,
Till he screamed "I am satisfied"
Longer and longer stretched that prick,
But still no way of stopping it.
He was darned from nose to bum,
And the whole fucking room was covered in cum.
GREAT BIG WHEEL
(Kiwi variation on "The Engineer's Song,")
Oh a Cowboy told me before he died
And I've got no reason to think he lied
That though he tried for most of his life
He just never could satisfy his wife.
CHORUS:
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went a rod of steel
I'll lay you money on a sure-fire bet
That bloody great wheel is turning yet.
So he mounted up a great big wheel
There upon a rod of steel
Two brass chambers a-filled with cream
And the whole bloody thing was run by steam.
Then he rolled it through the bedroom door
And the wheel started up with a great big roar
It rolled to his wife and rolled on top
And it pumped until she hollered stop.
But the bloody great wheel just rolled on through
'Till the cowboy's wife was split in two.
Then as if possessed by a monstrous whim
It turned around and mounted him.
It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast
Mounting all the people just a-strolling past
Covered them all with grease and cream
'Till it disappeared in a cloud of steam.
So if you ever see a bloody great wheel
There upon a rod of steel,
Run for the prairie or over the hill
Unless you're looking for a long-time thrill.
THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER'S SONG
An programmer told me before he died,
His wife could never be satisfied.
So he built a bloody great wheel,
Affixed to a piston made of steel.
Two balls of brass he filled with cream,
And ran the thing from a computer screen.
He programmed the thing to thrust and thrust,
And in his software he placed great trust.
He lay his wife down on the bed,
And tied her ankles above her head.
He placed his device in the place to fuck,
And patted her thigh and wished her luck.
And then he ran the .exe (ex-ee) file,
And left her there with a bloody great smile.
In and out went the piston rod,
His wife she gasped and yelled 'Oh God!'.
In and out went the thrusting beam,
His wife let out a blood-curdling scream.
The fuses blew and the lights went dim,
And still the contraption shafted her quim.
From the capacitors smoke did rise,
His wife yelled 'stop!' and crossed her eyes.
The programmer swore and yelled 'Goddam',
There was no exit code in the bloody program.
Stuck in a while loop which he couldn't break,
She yelled for her husband to hit 'ESCape'.
While most of his code it couldn't be faulted,
He hadn't devised the code to abort it.
And now we come to the tragic bit,
From ass to tit his wife was split.
He'd written no routines for error detection,
The program couldn't handle exceptions.
And it made no difference which key he hit,
The whole bloody keyboard got covered in shit.
The moral of this tale of terror,
Is write some code to handle errors.
If you write a program to shag and bash,
Then bung in a way to make it crash.
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