-- (Tune: Botany Bay)
A lusty young lady from Texas,
Has developed a wonderful trend,
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure,
'Cos she found they were better than men.
So line up for your cucumbers, ladies,
They're selling them two bucks apiece,
Your days of frustration are over,
'Cos cucumbers don't carry disease.
In Thailand they're eaten with chilies,
In England they're put between bread,
But here we just use them as willies,
'Cause we know that they'll never want head.
A cucumber has interesting ridges,
Comes in sizes from gherkin to great,
And when they go limp you can ditch 'em,
And buy a fresh one for your date.
They'll never leave stains on the mattress,
They're happy to live in the fridge,
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.
They always rise to the occasion,
They never go soft halfway through,
Stay firm and like any position,
And they'll never come before you.
A cucumber never is jealous,
Of the courgette sat in the veg tray,
You don't have to diet or dress up,
Or worry that your cucumber's gay.
Cucumbers don't sulk or get selfish,
They don't take up all of the bed,
And if you don't want to fuck with it,
You can dice it and eat it instead.
So watch out you self-centred he-men,
You're not quite as great as you thinks,
You can't guarantee it will work again,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.
A cucumber won't baulk at anal,
It performs for hours on end,
Keep it up till you've had YOUR pleasure,
Cucumbers are better than men.
A cucumber won't get you pregnant,
So you don't have to carry a sheath,
And if you don't share a cucumber,
It won't give you venereal disease.
So line up for a cucumber dildo,
I've zucchinis if you need a change,
Aunt Hilda she loves a stuffed marrow,
Or aubergines, - try the whole range!