-- Note: There are several different ballads bearing this name.
-- The first one here has elements in common with Yukon Pete, Casey Jones
-- and The Tinker; the others are somewhat different)
Now gather round children, and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave, and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.
Old Lou was a school marm who wandered out west
And decided she like fucking best.
Now Old Lou fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Pisspot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod,
He wasn't a boy--he was a man, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to.....thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangy Whore and Pisspot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lou warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lou knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lou screamed and clawed the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lou let out a scream, "I can't take anymore!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook, and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back, and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over, and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lou's ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!
Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses, and rode off West.
As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!
Now Old Pete died and went to hell;
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"
He fucked ninety-eight, and his balls turned blue,
The he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!
-- Alternative version
Up in the hills of ole' Arkansas,
Where whores and whore mongers were seldom saw.
there lived an ole' whore an' her name was Lou,
An' those that lived to tell were seldom few!
But outta the hils came Piss Pot Pete,
with 24 lbs. of swingin' meat!
Twas a sad sad day fer poor ole' Pete,
When he saw Lou out in the street.
He followed her into the Long Horns inn,
There they agreed on fuckin' to the end!
Well, first ole' Lou thru him a turkey flop,
An after 24 hours Pete came out on top.
'fore ya knew it they were fuckin' to kill,
rubbed all the grass off the side of the hill.
Then ole' Lou threw him a bore hog grind,
Left Poor Pete 15 miles behind,
They buried poor Pete in the ole' Church yard,
Balls all rotten Cock still hard.
An' on his tombstone was a sight to be seen,
'Here Lies the Remains of a Fucking Machine.'
-- Alternative version
When the summer's hot and sticky
that's no time for dippin' dickie,
but when the frost is on the pumpkin,
that's the time for dickie dunkin'.
There was a girl named Sadie Brown,
who said no man could put her down,
when over the hill came Piss Pot Pete,
with a hundred pounds of danglin' meat
She made the play he made the pass
a hundred pounds right up her ass
then all of a sudden she blew a fart
and blew poor Piss Pot Pete apart
So back to the hills went Piss Pot Pete
with a hundred pounds of shredded meat.